So I’m in Wal-Mart, buying a bag of Purina dog food for my dog.
A woman in line behind me inquired whether I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food? So, on the spur of the moment, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, that I was restarting the Purina diet, and that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital the last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before waking up in intensive care with tubes coming out of every orifice and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and all you had to do was stuff it into your pockets and consume one or two whenever you wanted.
The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well, and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

She was terrified and inquired whether I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

I told her no, walked off a curb to sniff a poodle’s buttocks, and was struck by a car.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

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