Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.

I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell… Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, and that was the last straw.

You arrived home last week and didn’t even realize I had a fresh haircut, made your favorite dinner, and was wearing a beautiful new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and promptly fell asleep after watching all of your soaps. You no longer tell me you love me; you don’t desire se*x or anything else that binds us as husband and wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you no longer love me; in either case, I’m out.

Your former husband P.S. Don’t bother looking for me. Your sister and I are relocating to West Virginia together! Have a wonderful life! ——

Mr. Ex-Husband

True, you and I have been married for seven years, but a nice guy is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch soap operas a lot because they block out your continual grumbling and griping. Unfortunately, that does not work. I did notice when you got your hair cropped last week, but my first thought was, “You look just like a female!” I didn’t say anything since my mom taught me not to say anything if you can’t say something good. And you must have confused me with my sister when you served my favorite dinner, because I quit eating pork 7 years ago.

Concerning the new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was too much for me.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem

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