The Perfect Mate.

A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate:
“I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities.”

Back came the answer: “Marry a penguin.”

Check this out!

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

God’s watching…
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples’.

A grandmother is giving directions to her grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I buzz you in. Come inside and elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push third floor. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

“What… You’re coming empty-handed?”

A fourth-grader came into the school office and told the secretary that she had missed her bus, Bus 6.
After checking schedules with the teacher on bus duty, the secretary confirmed that the girl did indeed miss her bus.

“But don’t worry,” she told the child. “We’ll call your mother.”

“No, you won’t,” the girl calmly replied. “She’s driving Bus 6.”

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